I have not blogged in ages. Having an 8 month old son does not leave much time for blogging. Or reading. Or sleeping. Or cleaning. The list could go on. But tonight as I was putting Jonah to bed, I rocked him. And as I held my sweet sleeping son and prayed over him as I do every night, all I could think of was "thank you, God, for this gift." Jonah was exactly that. A gift. A gift that I prayed for. I prayed months and months that I would be blessed with a child. Corey and I dealt with infertility for awhile. We saw a fertility specialist for several months and tried some non-invasive treatments to no avail. We began to feel like having a child would never happen for us and decided to take some time off from treatment and take a break. I was discouraged and tearful most of the time. I resented when my friends would tell me they were expecting, but I continued to pray. Then one day when I was least expecting it, I found out I was pregnant. No words could begin to describe how I felt that day. I had a very complicated pregnancy with Jonah coming very early and when I first laid eyes on him, I knew he was my gift from God. The gift that I had prayed for. Just like in 1 Samuel 1:27 "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him".
I share all of this simply because the love I have for my son is magnified because of how deeply I longed for him. The gratefulness I feel in my heart when I rock him to sleep at night is so much stronger because of how much I yearned to be a mother. The love you have for your child is something deeper than I was ever prepared to feel. It rips your hearts to shreds in one moment and then sends it soaring with a joy the next.
So as I rocked Jonah tonight I thought about how God felt about his son, Jesus. His one and only son. And with all of that love that He felt for his son, He still loved us so much that He sent his one and only son to earth for us. That kind of sacrifice blows my mind. I cannot imagine offering Jonah up for a sacrifice for people that would reject me, people that would find me insignificant, that would make fun of me. Yet that is exactly what God did. He offered us a perfect gift knowing that many would not accept His gift.
This Christmas is different for me this year. I have a better understanding of the sacrifice it took for God to give me and you the most perfect gift.
Merry Christmas to all and may you accept this perfect gift today
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
Glorious Ruins
Last night was worship practice and we are doing a new song on Sunday. It's called Glorious Ruins by Hillsong Live. I've heard this song plenty of times because I'm obsessed with this album anyways, but last night I really focused on the lyrics and was just in awe of what they had to say.
When the mountains fall
And the tempest roars You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy
I'll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I'll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
in the light of your glorious grace
Let the ruins come to life
In the beauty of Your Name
Rising up from the ashes
God forever You reign
And my soul will find refuge
In the shadow of Your wings
I will love You forever
And forever I'll sing
When the world caves in
Still my hope will cling to Your promise
Where my courage ends
Let my heart find strength in Your presence
Wow. What a testament to what God can do with our struggles and in times of trouble. He has brought me from ruins to life. He revives us. He gives us strength to carry on through those difficult times and He reminds us that the cross is enough to make up for all of our failures. If that doesn't make you want to sing, then I don't know what will.
Isaiah 61:7
Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
I'm so thankful that He brings beauty from the ashes of our lives.
When the mountains fall
And the tempest roars You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy
I'll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I'll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
in the light of your glorious grace
Let the ruins come to life
In the beauty of Your Name
Rising up from the ashes
God forever You reign
And my soul will find refuge
In the shadow of Your wings
I will love You forever
And forever I'll sing
When the world caves in
Still my hope will cling to Your promise
Where my courage ends
Let my heart find strength in Your presence
Wow. What a testament to what God can do with our struggles and in times of trouble. He has brought me from ruins to life. He revives us. He gives us strength to carry on through those difficult times and He reminds us that the cross is enough to make up for all of our failures. If that doesn't make you want to sing, then I don't know what will.
Isaiah 61:7
Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
I'm so thankful that He brings beauty from the ashes of our lives.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
The best blessings take work
Today has been a difficult day. And really it has been a difficult day in a line of difficult days. Jonah is 7 months old now but is really developmentally a 24 week old baby considering how early he was born. Not sure if he's going through a growth spurt, or teething, or if his reflux is bothering him, but he has been a grumpy little boy for almost a week. One thing I AM thankful for is his nighttime sleeping patterns. He slept 12 hours again straight last night. Thank you, Jesus for being so merciful to this tired, stressed mama.
No one could have prepared me for motherhood adequately. Who knew something could bring you such agony and joy at the same time? The agony of sleepless nights, screaming babies, constantly smelling like spit up, picking boogers, nap-fighting; and then the joy of bedtime rocking, splashes of bath time, giggles, big gummy smiles, and the huge smile on your child's face when you pick them up. I definitely say the joy outweighs the hard times and I honestly believe that is what gets me through these fussy days. It's hard to put into words what it feels like to be a mother. I always wanted to be one and there was a difficult journey for me to become a mother. I'm so thankful that God gave me this gift. I don't ever want to take it for granted. It may be really, really, really hard some days, but the reward is so much greater than I ever could anticipate. Seems to me that most of the best gifts from God take the most work, or the most patience,or the most pain. But then, there is the huge blessing in it. Maybe it's because if we don't invest our blood, sweat, and tears into something we can't really appreciate how wonderful it is?
Today, I am thankful for the opportunity to invest in someone through a difficult day, because I know that joy comes in the morning.
No one could have prepared me for motherhood adequately. Who knew something could bring you such agony and joy at the same time? The agony of sleepless nights, screaming babies, constantly smelling like spit up, picking boogers, nap-fighting; and then the joy of bedtime rocking, splashes of bath time, giggles, big gummy smiles, and the huge smile on your child's face when you pick them up. I definitely say the joy outweighs the hard times and I honestly believe that is what gets me through these fussy days. It's hard to put into words what it feels like to be a mother. I always wanted to be one and there was a difficult journey for me to become a mother. I'm so thankful that God gave me this gift. I don't ever want to take it for granted. It may be really, really, really hard some days, but the reward is so much greater than I ever could anticipate. Seems to me that most of the best gifts from God take the most work, or the most patience,or the most pain. But then, there is the huge blessing in it. Maybe it's because if we don't invest our blood, sweat, and tears into something we can't really appreciate how wonderful it is?
Today, I am thankful for the opportunity to invest in someone through a difficult day, because I know that joy comes in the morning.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Big Faith- Praying and Believing
As many of you know, Jonah, my son was recently discharged from the NICU. He was born 9 weeks early due to complications in my pregnancy. The NICU journey was extremely taxing on our family, emotionally and physically. But spiritually, it was invigorating for me. I know that sounds crazy, but I really mean it. This whole journey has changed me spiritually. More than anything, it has taught me about prayer and faith. These two things go hand in hand. I've learned that you can't pray for something and not expect results. If you do, you certainly won't get the results you were looking for.
About two weeks ago, Jonah was at a standstill in his progress. He had failed two crib tests, which just means he couldn't maintain his body temperature outside of the incubator and he was failing miserable at bottle feeding. His little suck muscles in his jaw just weren't working yet and he was just too tired to eat from a bottle. The doctors had told me that we wouldn't try another crib test for another week and that it would just take time for him to get better with bottles. I went home absolutely devastated. I felt like I absolutely could not handle having my child away from me any longer and I cried out to the Lord for help. And I heard an answer. It said, "ask me for what you want." Then he led me to several verses : Mark 11:22-24 (it talks about praying and believing and you will receive), then Matthew 13:58 (where it says "And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith.". After reading these verses I distinctly felt the nudge to pray for what I wanted. And what I wanted more than anything is for Jonah to meet these specific milestones by Friday April 26. And that is what I prayed for. I prayed specifically that Jonah would meet those milestones by that Friday. Even though it seemed impossible, I prayed and believed. And in my weak moments I cried out, "Jesus, help my unbelief". If you have followed Jonah's story, you know that Jonah was discharged from the NICU on Friday April 26. This means he met those milestones even BEFORE Friday April 26. And I was reminded that Ephesians 3:20 says "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us"
Now THAT is just like the God I serve. To do immeasurably more than I had asked. I promised the Lord that I would shout it from the rooftops how He had answered my prayer. It's taken me some time to post this because I haven't had a lot of sleep with my little premature angel at home, but I wanted to share another story of God's faithfulness to us and how He answered some prayers that took some big faith.
Jonah still has progress to make and I am continuing to pray prayers that are requiring more big faith, but I've seen the power of prayer and I believe that the God who created my child and knew him before he was formed is incredibly capable of handling what seems like the impossible.
I hope if you are reading this and are struggling with something, this will encourage you to ask and believe that God still does miracles. He still answers prayers.
About two weeks ago, Jonah was at a standstill in his progress. He had failed two crib tests, which just means he couldn't maintain his body temperature outside of the incubator and he was failing miserable at bottle feeding. His little suck muscles in his jaw just weren't working yet and he was just too tired to eat from a bottle. The doctors had told me that we wouldn't try another crib test for another week and that it would just take time for him to get better with bottles. I went home absolutely devastated. I felt like I absolutely could not handle having my child away from me any longer and I cried out to the Lord for help. And I heard an answer. It said, "ask me for what you want." Then he led me to several verses : Mark 11:22-24 (it talks about praying and believing and you will receive), then Matthew 13:58 (where it says "And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith.". After reading these verses I distinctly felt the nudge to pray for what I wanted. And what I wanted more than anything is for Jonah to meet these specific milestones by Friday April 26. And that is what I prayed for. I prayed specifically that Jonah would meet those milestones by that Friday. Even though it seemed impossible, I prayed and believed. And in my weak moments I cried out, "Jesus, help my unbelief". If you have followed Jonah's story, you know that Jonah was discharged from the NICU on Friday April 26. This means he met those milestones even BEFORE Friday April 26. And I was reminded that Ephesians 3:20 says "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us"
Now THAT is just like the God I serve. To do immeasurably more than I had asked. I promised the Lord that I would shout it from the rooftops how He had answered my prayer. It's taken me some time to post this because I haven't had a lot of sleep with my little premature angel at home, but I wanted to share another story of God's faithfulness to us and how He answered some prayers that took some big faith.
Jonah still has progress to make and I am continuing to pray prayers that are requiring more big faith, but I've seen the power of prayer and I believe that the God who created my child and knew him before he was formed is incredibly capable of handling what seems like the impossible.
I hope if you are reading this and are struggling with something, this will encourage you to ask and believe that God still does miracles. He still answers prayers.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Provision and Protection
I have started to write this post several times and either just didn't feel ready or didn't really know where to start. I'm warning you, if you are reading this, it could get long. Grab some coffee or if you don't have time to read it, it won't hurt my feelings. Those of you who know me personally already know some of this story, but I really wanted to share my pregnancy/delivery story because I want people to see how God has worked in my life. It is incredibly hard for me to put most of this in words and I'll try to spare you some of the gory details (some things are just too private or painful to share), but I hope that when you finish reading my story, you will see how big my God is.
I had a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy towards the beginning, other than the constant vomiting that comes with so many pregnancies for women. But when I hit the third trimester, it brought some complications. High blood pressure, swelling, and some hospital stays for monitoring and bed rest. But March 31, I had seriously high blood pressure that morning. My vision starting having some changes and I had a bad headache. After talking to my doctor on the phone, they admitted me to labor and delivery for monitoring again at Thomasville Medical Center. After only a few hours of being there, they decided my condition was serious enough to transfer me to Forsyth Medical Center for closer monitoring for me and the baby, especially in case I needed to deliver early. I was only 31 weeks pregnant at this point but had been given steroid shots to develop the baby's lungs in case they needed to deliver me. After two days of being on a drug from the pit of hell (magnesium sulfate- to keep me from having seizures that could hurt me and the baby), they decided that the baby wasn't growing properly and he was starting to get stressed from my preeclampsia. On Tuesday, April 2, they decided to induce me. At the beginning of my induction, they did some procedures to help me dilate and gave me some medicine to start contractions. I got my epidural and things starting moving along. I did have some serious complications from the magnesium during this period that scared all of us and my swelling in my face and the rest of my body got pretty horrible, but the baby was tolerating everything ok. My water broke on its own around 4am Wednesday morning and by 6am I was dilated to 6cm and 70% effaced. Unfortunately, that is when everything starting getting worse. I had put on enormous amounts of fluid and my blood pressure was sky high. The baby's heart rate kept dropping, and by lunch time, I was passing a decent amount of blood that concerned the doctor. They kept giving me more and more fluids through my IV to help the baby and this is what I looked like after swelling up like a balloon.
At this point, I was terrified. For myself. For the baby. Then, they lost the baby's heartbeat. The nurse couldn't find it and I just knew we had lost him. I had been in labor for 22 hours at this point and I thought it was over. I was devastated and trying to pray but I didn't even have the words to say. Then, just like that, the nurse found his heart beat again. Not long after that happened, I passed a large amount of blood and the baby's heart rate dipped again. The doctor came in and said that we weren't going to wait any longer. The baby couldn't tolerate the labor anymore so it was time for a c-section. Within 30 minutes of that conversation, we were in the middle of a c-section. At 2:37pm on April 3, 2013, my sweet Jonah Michael Dalton was born. He weighed 3 lbs and 6 oz and he cried immediately when they pulled him out. There are no words to describe what it feels like to love someone that you've never seen the first time you hear them. I hadn't even laid eyes on him and I knew I had never felt a love like that.
This is what he looked like right after he was born.
It is such a miracle that at 31 weeks and 5 days, he didn't require any oxygen at all. He has been breathing on his own since that first beautiful kitten-like cry that I heard. What a blessing!
The very first time I got to see him was after I had been in the recovery room for awhile. Unfortunately I was rather drugged up on morphine and other pain medications and that first meeting was pretty hazy but I remember thinking he was beautiful and what a gift he was. I didn't get to stay long with him because I was on a stretcher and I had to go back to my room.
After he was born, I really thought that my blood pressure would go back to normal and the swelling would be gone. Unfortunately, it took longer than that. My blood pressure was still dangerously high and I had to continue with the magnesium sulfate to prevent seizures. That meant no visiting my baby boy. However, there were some very special nurses in the NICU that decided they would bring him to me. So, the next day I got to hold my baby boy for the first time. There was no preparing me for that feeling.
Over the next two days, I peed off 10 liters of fluid.. yes that is 5 2-liter Coke bottles of fluid.
This is what I looked like after all the fluid was gone and I finally got to go to the NICU to hold my little one.
After several more days, I finally was stable enough to be released from the hospital and our NICU journey really began. As of today, Jonah is 3 weeks old and he is getting really close to coming home. This journey has been probably the hardest thing I've ever gone through. From being scared for your baby's life and your own to being separated from your child and not being able to bring them home with you. It has been a time where I have been at my weakest points ever and I have found myself relying on God for strength that I would never have found elsewhere. He has taught me about his protection and his provision throughout it all. Through this whole process, I have never been alone. He has held me in the palm of his hand and I have found a peace in knowing that the God who created my sweet Jonah is in control and has this all planned out.
I didn't write this just to tell the story of what happened to me. I wrote it because I want people to know that I owe everything to my God. I can look back and see his fingerprints all over my story. He was there walking beside me and Corey and my family through this whole thing and He deserves glory and praise for what He has done.
I had a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy towards the beginning, other than the constant vomiting that comes with so many pregnancies for women. But when I hit the third trimester, it brought some complications. High blood pressure, swelling, and some hospital stays for monitoring and bed rest. But March 31, I had seriously high blood pressure that morning. My vision starting having some changes and I had a bad headache. After talking to my doctor on the phone, they admitted me to labor and delivery for monitoring again at Thomasville Medical Center. After only a few hours of being there, they decided my condition was serious enough to transfer me to Forsyth Medical Center for closer monitoring for me and the baby, especially in case I needed to deliver early. I was only 31 weeks pregnant at this point but had been given steroid shots to develop the baby's lungs in case they needed to deliver me. After two days of being on a drug from the pit of hell (magnesium sulfate- to keep me from having seizures that could hurt me and the baby), they decided that the baby wasn't growing properly and he was starting to get stressed from my preeclampsia. On Tuesday, April 2, they decided to induce me. At the beginning of my induction, they did some procedures to help me dilate and gave me some medicine to start contractions. I got my epidural and things starting moving along. I did have some serious complications from the magnesium during this period that scared all of us and my swelling in my face and the rest of my body got pretty horrible, but the baby was tolerating everything ok. My water broke on its own around 4am Wednesday morning and by 6am I was dilated to 6cm and 70% effaced. Unfortunately, that is when everything starting getting worse. I had put on enormous amounts of fluid and my blood pressure was sky high. The baby's heart rate kept dropping, and by lunch time, I was passing a decent amount of blood that concerned the doctor. They kept giving me more and more fluids through my IV to help the baby and this is what I looked like after swelling up like a balloon.
At this point, I was terrified. For myself. For the baby. Then, they lost the baby's heartbeat. The nurse couldn't find it and I just knew we had lost him. I had been in labor for 22 hours at this point and I thought it was over. I was devastated and trying to pray but I didn't even have the words to say. Then, just like that, the nurse found his heart beat again. Not long after that happened, I passed a large amount of blood and the baby's heart rate dipped again. The doctor came in and said that we weren't going to wait any longer. The baby couldn't tolerate the labor anymore so it was time for a c-section. Within 30 minutes of that conversation, we were in the middle of a c-section. At 2:37pm on April 3, 2013, my sweet Jonah Michael Dalton was born. He weighed 3 lbs and 6 oz and he cried immediately when they pulled him out. There are no words to describe what it feels like to love someone that you've never seen the first time you hear them. I hadn't even laid eyes on him and I knew I had never felt a love like that.
This is what he looked like right after he was born.
It is such a miracle that at 31 weeks and 5 days, he didn't require any oxygen at all. He has been breathing on his own since that first beautiful kitten-like cry that I heard. What a blessing!
The very first time I got to see him was after I had been in the recovery room for awhile. Unfortunately I was rather drugged up on morphine and other pain medications and that first meeting was pretty hazy but I remember thinking he was beautiful and what a gift he was. I didn't get to stay long with him because I was on a stretcher and I had to go back to my room.
After he was born, I really thought that my blood pressure would go back to normal and the swelling would be gone. Unfortunately, it took longer than that. My blood pressure was still dangerously high and I had to continue with the magnesium sulfate to prevent seizures. That meant no visiting my baby boy. However, there were some very special nurses in the NICU that decided they would bring him to me. So, the next day I got to hold my baby boy for the first time. There was no preparing me for that feeling.
Over the next two days, I peed off 10 liters of fluid.. yes that is 5 2-liter Coke bottles of fluid.
This is what I looked like after all the fluid was gone and I finally got to go to the NICU to hold my little one.
After several more days, I finally was stable enough to be released from the hospital and our NICU journey really began. As of today, Jonah is 3 weeks old and he is getting really close to coming home. This journey has been probably the hardest thing I've ever gone through. From being scared for your baby's life and your own to being separated from your child and not being able to bring them home with you. It has been a time where I have been at my weakest points ever and I have found myself relying on God for strength that I would never have found elsewhere. He has taught me about his protection and his provision throughout it all. Through this whole process, I have never been alone. He has held me in the palm of his hand and I have found a peace in knowing that the God who created my sweet Jonah is in control and has this all planned out.
I didn't write this just to tell the story of what happened to me. I wrote it because I want people to know that I owe everything to my God. I can look back and see his fingerprints all over my story. He was there walking beside me and Corey and my family through this whole thing and He deserves glory and praise for what He has done.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Trashing my plans...
I am such a planner. I love to be prepared, to have a plan. I've always had a plan for my life. I knew when I wanted to get married, when I wanted to have babies. It's so amazing that my life has NEVER turned out according to my plans. Recently, I was put on bed rest for complications during my pregnancy. It's been quite the hitch in my plan. My plan had been to work until it was time for the baby to come. And I just knew that my baby would be born 2 weeks early so I wouldn't have to be miserable until the 40 week mark. I just knew that my pregnancy wouldn't be complicated. After all, I was healthy and not overweight. I never had blood pressure issues or any other health issues. Again, my plans have been foiled. So here I am, sitting in my PJ's on the couch, puffy hands and face, taking my blood pressure all day long, taking blood pressure medicine, and peeing into a jug that I have to turn into the dr's office in the morning.
I could sit here and be frustrated. Ok, sometimes I DO sit here frustrated. I could be angry that I'm stuck in the house or angry that I may very well get put back in the hospital tomorrow if my urine looks bad, or I can just accept that it's not about my plans. I can plan all I want, but if that isn't what God has purposed, then my plans are pointless. My plans to get pregnant before I was 30 was pointless. My plans to have an easy pregnancy were pointless. God has had other plans for me. And his plans come with purpose behind them. I may not always know what that purpose is, but it is true and it is for my good.
All through my life, I have seen people try to guess what God has in store for them, for their churches, for their families. But there is never any way we can forsee the future or know what God is going to end up doing. He always ends up going so much further beyond what we ever could have imagined. It may take us down a road that we never intended going down. But it is always SO MUCH BETTER than what we ever could have planned for ourselves. So we can keep planning, but in the end it is God's will that prevails, not ours.
Proverbs 21:30 "There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan, that can succeed against the Lord."
If we could learn to pray this.. "God, I just want YOUR plan.", well.. I think we would never be surprised at the outcomes. We would never be disappointed at the road getting there.
I could sit here and be frustrated. Ok, sometimes I DO sit here frustrated. I could be angry that I'm stuck in the house or angry that I may very well get put back in the hospital tomorrow if my urine looks bad, or I can just accept that it's not about my plans. I can plan all I want, but if that isn't what God has purposed, then my plans are pointless. My plans to get pregnant before I was 30 was pointless. My plans to have an easy pregnancy were pointless. God has had other plans for me. And his plans come with purpose behind them. I may not always know what that purpose is, but it is true and it is for my good.
All through my life, I have seen people try to guess what God has in store for them, for their churches, for their families. But there is never any way we can forsee the future or know what God is going to end up doing. He always ends up going so much further beyond what we ever could have imagined. It may take us down a road that we never intended going down. But it is always SO MUCH BETTER than what we ever could have planned for ourselves. So we can keep planning, but in the end it is God's will that prevails, not ours.
Proverbs 21:30 "There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan, that can succeed against the Lord."
If we could learn to pray this.. "God, I just want YOUR plan.", well.. I think we would never be surprised at the outcomes. We would never be disappointed at the road getting there.
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